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» If
you lend someone $20, and never see that person again;
it was probably worth it.
»
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
»
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of car payments.
»
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
»
It is far more impressive when others discover your
good qualities without your help.
»
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to
serve as a warning to others.
»
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
do it.
»
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
»
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
»
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an
asshole.
»
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
»
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
»
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
»
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
»
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
»
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
»
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
»
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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Montana: At least our cows are sane!
»
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
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Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
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My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
»
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37
states.
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Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
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Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
»
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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